Are you being Controlled in your relationship

Warning Signs to look for in a controlling relationship

Isolates you from family and friends

To control someone, you need to isolate the person. In controlling relationships, the controller, will cut you off from all your friends, family and colleagues especially if he thinks they are a threat and may be telling you about his bad behavior. His goal is to get everyone out of the picture that might be telling you the truth about him.

The controller does so because, he/she feels that the people around you may influence you against him/her. A controller lives in such unbound insecurity, that he/she believes that you will walk away from the relationship at the drop of the hat. A controller will make false accusations and will verbally abuse you if she/she sees you socializing. This will make you feel guilty and imbibe a feeling of remain aloof from the social circuit.

Uses Money to control you and the situation

• A manipulative man may try to convince his partner that she needs him financially. He may spend lots of money on her in the beginning of the relationship to get her used to living well and receiving plenty of gifts. He may even invite her to move in and encourage her to quit her job so that she has few options if she decides to leave. He begins to spend less money on you as the relationship continues, this sometimes is his way of regaining control

  Acts Depressed

  • Manipulative men often act depressed or even suicidal when their partners consider ending the relationship. He may say something like, "I can't live without you" or "I am going to hurt myself if you leave and it will be your fault." this tactic is to make you feel bad and you find yourself staying even longer.

  
  

  You want to leave; but you feel stucK

  
  

   It is not uncommon for people stuck in controlling relationships to dream about a better life with a brighter relationship and this could just be a brighter relationship with yourself. This feeling arises because you have let your life be dominated by a relationship to the extent of losing touch with yourself and your needs. The best thing to do after ending a controlling realtionship is to take some time to get to know your self before diving into another unhealthy relationship.

IF YOU CAN RELATE TO ANY OF THESE WARNING SIGNS; YOU ARE PROBABLY IN A CONTROLLING RELATIONSHIP. PART II WILL DISCUSS HOW TO START GETTING OUT OF A CONTROLLING RELATIONSHIP AND MOVING ONTO A MORE HEALTHY LIFE

"She did it all for love"

"OOPS DID I DO THAT"

Such a common theme when you ask a woman "why did you do that" and the answer is usually " I LOVE him" really... I guess we all have been in relationships that we look back on and wonder damn I did that?

Love is such a crazy thing, it can consume you, confuse you, compliment you and often leave you scratching your head thinking damn " I did that" yep you did that...

This blog is for a reader who asked "is it stupid to be his side chick" even though he makes her so happy. My first response is what is your definition of happy? and are you okay with laying up with another woman's husband, PLAYING house almost everyday until 8:30 pm because that's when you have to put your toy away so he can get home and get back to his reality and his happy!

 If you can go to bed and not be affected by the fact he has a wife  a child and a home just 5 miles away then I guess your not stupid! But you are in a no win situation! Married men may like to play house ; but very few of them actually leave their home or their wife.

So as you wait for your bell to ring the next time he comes over, telling you how hard is dick is and not his day; ask yourself again "am I stupid for being his side chick"  See what he says. TTYL

Sorry to be so crass; but fucking around with married men isn't my best subject. I would have to call this the BULLSHIT PART of the blog! Girl do better! You are wife material.

Happy New Year, what changes have you made in your love life?  I made some

Well, its been awhile since I blogged and mostly because Ive been pretty busy working on myself, my marriage and what direction I wanted my life to go in.

During  this time and  these changes, I realized how little control I had over my life and why all the decisions I was trying to make were always  unsuccessful. I really began to question, Is it me? am I crazy, are things falling apart around me because of something I'm doing wrong or something I did wrong or even someone. Then, out of nowhere I was instructed to get on my knees, I begin to pray, and pray and pray and one day it just came to me"Stephanie you have tried everything else, now try GOD".... 

I was always a believer in what will be will be, and now that I have committed my life to GOD and every  decision I make he has to be in it this new way of thinking made me realize that this is what was missing from my life. Ive been lied too, deceived by many, taken advantage of by the ones who called me friend. I was very bitter, often revengful, because I couldn't understand WHY ME. until my GOD answered "WHY NOT"I had been walking without faith for so many years that eventually all my skeletons would catch up to me..and my grass would get cut and the snakes would be revealed and they did, and I am so grateful to sit here tonight and be at peace with who I am, I feel deserving, I have no regrets Im a honest woman, a smart woman, a wonderful mother, a tarnished solider, a fighter for love a survivour, and a winner! and I know these things becasue of the love Ive found!

It feels good to know that any battle that may come my way I will not fight alone, and I pray for my foes, for all the lost souls still wondering through life blinded and aimlessly lost and still looking for what will never exist without his hands being in it.

  So tonight I asked "what changes have you made in your love life", well... I have fallen in love with myself, by the way of GOD because no man will ever love me, like he does.

Happy New You,

Never stop searching for the truth

and don't be afraid to hear it when it comes

When a women mentally detaches herself from you it's over

I stayed in a relationship for over five years because I fooled myself into believing he would change, but in reality it was me that needed to change and part of that change was letting him go, he was holding me back , not physically but mentally because I spent so much energy into putting him and his needs first and I forgot about what I wanted in my own life.

As women, most of us constantly feel the need to protect our men, be loyal to our men to prove to them just how far we will run the distance for them, and after all the running, loving, hurting, and fighting, we are left standing looking in the mirror, thinking where has all the time gone. Who am I without him? 

What happens is that we forget about ourselves our dreams become their dreams and our voices become silent then our hearts become silent and finally we become stale. 

Alot of men don't realize, women are like flowers, we need watered daily, we need loved we need touched and most of the time they don't even notice we are wiltering, until its to late and mentally we a have already detached ourselves from the relationship and another thing men don't realize that once we have made our mind up to move on, it’s to late. Were gone!

A letter from Lisa in Minneapolis thanks for letting me telling it!

Chronicles of an Aestechian May 2012

today I had to wax some brows in a professional enviroment,  outside of school, and all I could think about was wow this girl has the eyebrows of a 10 year old Mexican Boy and please lord, let me get through this . 


signed 
NO I.D.

"EVEN THE MOON GET'S FULL"

Most of us get overwhelmed and the majority of us stress out some of us over eat, over indulge but all of us have our ways of dealing with things, but what I learned last week when my heart was full and I was unsure about making a lot of last minute decision's I found myslef just shutting down and walking away. I needed to re-group and wrap my head around the whirl wind I was facing.


Surprisingly, I picked up the phone and confided in someone, something I haven't done in a long time, and I laid it all on the table, she said to me "Stephanie" even the moon gets full and those words were passed on to her by her man Mr. Richard and for some reason they hit me like a ton of bricks, because full is what I felt, and I just needed to relax and regroup but I felt guilty about doing that.


she further explained "take this time to rest" she told me it was OK to do nothing which doesn't make you nothing, everyone deserves some time to recharge and get their mind together to be prepared for the next thing god may throw your Way So to all you ladies juggling, 10 balls at home, slow down and remember "even the moon gets full" so why can't we! Thank you Mr. Richard your words motivated me to get up, and push forward, but not until I was ready and I had no remorse in just sitting back and focusing on myself. 


I have been blessed with a special couple for the first time in my life and now I feel good to know I can confide in people that wont judge me, but only encourage me to keep it moving, dust my shoulders off and smile. Thank you both.

A letter from the Alchohlic's wife

I write this letter to relieve myself  and others  of so much doubt and pity that is  carried around for so long, blaming yourself for his addiction, and making it yours. When you have an Alchohlic spouse, you do everything in your power to protect them, you lie for them, you become a great pretender of "did he just call me that" or" is that alcohol on your breath" when he promised he quit again, for the 29th time. Women of Alchohlic men adjust to this sick and unhealthy lifestyle and they don't second guess things for a long time and then one day.....

Clarity comes and give you a serious wake up call, and you begin to wonder how you, the strong one let this get this far and why are you still there,  you didn't sign up for this part of game, and before you know it, you look up and  all your friends are gone and you are programmed to be an alchohlic wife, living in prison without shackles, because Alcholic's have a way of making their addiction your addition. An alchohlic doesn't understand that when he  had a drink or two or fifteen his entire demeanor changes, so you scuttle around and try to figure out how am I going to keep the kids from seeing him in this stupor. The Alcoholics wife is always on edge worried about  saying the wrong word to set him off so a fight doesn't breakout, and alchohlic's wife spends  the majority of her time cleaning up her Alcoholic's mess  because it is second nature because of the guilt he pours on you that is associated with it.

There are so many times she wants to leave and when he's sober, he is so sorry, his guilt kicks in and the gifts and smiles and roses just don't work anymore, the only gift you want now is his sobriety and I know that sounds like a lot, and then you began to waiver should I stay with him, how could I leave him in this condition but in reality being together is toxic and a separation would be the best thing in the world for the both of you, but then he takes a drink again, he suddenly changes and its very scary because you never know who is going to come through the door, what kind of mood he will be in and if will accuse you of trying to break the family up and tell you it's your fault that things aren't working out and then when he is sober again he is so apologetic he  really has no clue of the harsh words he said to you the night before, he has no clue  how many hours he slept soring while you lay next to him praying he doesn't miss a breathe and  he doesn't die in his sleep, You become, mother, father, priest, nurse, counselor and sound board. You become consumed in his addiction and you loose yourself, and before you know it years have passed, you have gotten older and your kids grow up and they begin to ask questions that you really don't want to answer. This is a heavy burden, your life is a lie, a constant fight for piece of sanity, you wonder "why can't he just stop if he loves me so much" It's not you, it's the disease and it's his choice, so you have to start making your own choices for you and the ones you love.

 Alcoholics suffer from a disease that isn't cured with a few pills or a few days being sober, sobriety is a life long commitment. but for the alcoholics wife  you are addicted to him and his addiction its a never ending cycle until, you BREAK IT, As a  wife you need to make a firm decision and set boundaries and do not waiver in those decisions, be firm on the things you will and will not tolerate and if it comes down to him choosing his drink over you and your family, and it will come down to it, so if you haven't asked that question yet and your Reading this blog it's time, regardless how much you love him, let him go, because you have to love yourself more.

When you are trying to find just a little peace, just a little bit of consistency from his crazy behavior he  will try and manipulate the situation to make you feel sorry for him, he will promise again to stop, to do better, to seek help, but he never does, so now you need to  be smart, always be prepared for the worse but hope for the best, there should be no doubt or guilt about your love remember you fell in love with the man not his disease, we hate the disease and you can never compete with the drink.

We don't get married to get divorced, we get married for better or for worse, but  you can only change yourself, and that's a great place to start, so invest in yourself, the drinking is his choice, pray for him, pray that one day he wont look up and his family is gone, pray for yourself that throughout this storm you can remain focused on what your goals and plans on for yourself. Remind yourself  just how strong you are, and if your lucky, you can find a Friend to confide in, but in the meantime keep writing to me I will always right back. Stay Strong, Stand firm and "this to shall pass"

Signed
SNB